He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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