you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
we should paint friendship bongs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
