I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
