JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is wine microwaveable?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
