I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
