he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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