I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I FOUND THE LEGS
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
