There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
it's like iHOP with fire
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
