tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have already put on my inside pants.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
