I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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