Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
