you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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