I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize