you didnt know i had herpes?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
