There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
