They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
