I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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