What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
