Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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