If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
