I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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