Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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