so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
