Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
