Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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