I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
