there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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