she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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