He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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