I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
