you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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