Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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