that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
