end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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