I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is my life. Enjoy the view
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
