Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
