I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize