When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
