Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
