All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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