I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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