Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
