girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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