this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
