he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
