He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
