we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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