Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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