Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
