Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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