Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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