I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
