seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
