So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
